So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You made out with two different species that night
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
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you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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