I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
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Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
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I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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