My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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