The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
