Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
