You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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