...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
