My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
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If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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