Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
