the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
