if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Bang-toberfest begins!!
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
