my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
