Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Come share oat with me in your robe
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
