I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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