hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
