sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
