I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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