There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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