Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Damn victory sex feels great
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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