I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
two words...techno handjob
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
