Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
