is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I came so hard my ears popped.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
