got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
