Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
