I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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