come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
