I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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