i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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