How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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