i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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