i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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