I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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