I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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