While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
