Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She bit a glass in half.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
