Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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