Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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