I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
