Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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