i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
