you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
