I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
