That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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