I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
