We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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