The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
