I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Slut skills are useful in every country.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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