I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize