After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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