goodnight i made you a song goodbye
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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