It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
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Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.