Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples