I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.