Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi