my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
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I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
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I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver