I like to think it a success when the cops are called
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
