I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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