I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
These tits shall not be calmed
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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